最重要的小事
幾週前完成了為期六天的網上靜觀靜休營。開始前，先把手頭上的項目完成，並通知工作單位我將不能用電話或電腦，在電子郵件上設定放假通知、在社交媒體上發布，然後便專心參與。在家裡日常環境中練習，很方便，也更融入生活。之前我也有參加過網上靜休營，參加者一般要止語，在生活上減少不必的說話，以及關掉靜休營以外一切電腦連繫等。
靜觀本來是一個人的修行，在家裡和任何地方都不應有分別，只要上老師Bob 的講課時需要透過網路參與。
從新感受愛
Bob 老師是美國人，年輕時在緬甸做過僧人，回俗後當上靜觀老師。他很幽默，友善，在第一晚的課問大家：「是什麼驅使你到這裡？痛苦、壓力、成癮、
焦慮、失落。。。 。。。 都是人類會經歷的狀況(human condition)，然後他再說：「 我們從愛開始，我們以愛練習，我們以愛結束。（We start with love, practice with love, end with love.） 」
一直覺得講「愛」是挺肉麻的，但這句關於愛的話讓我很感動。沒有愛，這些練習都變成另外一個用力「做」的事。沒有愛，一直硬著頭皮練習，就像把頭撞牆。聽著，令我感動得眼淚在臉上一直流。
靜修從每天早上6點30分到晚上9點，大約12個小時的練習，包括靜坐、靜觀步行、聽老師講課和小組分享，另外是三餐和休息時間。在這期間，我在生活上更感覺到愛。看見在廚房為我準備飯菜的媽媽，感覺到她很用心，做菜的過程充滿愛；即使爸爸媽媽知道我在這段時間止語，保持沈默，他們仍喜歡在吃飯時跟我說話，分享生活上的小事，讓我感到有點氣結，但同時也感到甜甜的。
白驅過隙之美
老師說自己現在67歲，過去幾十年，時間像「彈」指般過了，也好幾次提到「生命的珍貴和脆弱」， 讓我感受很深。
我每日在下面的公園練習靜觀步行，剛好有一次走了一條不同的路線，碰見一位看上去很困惑的年長女士，向左走兩步，又往右走，看起來不確定自己要去哪裡。
她說想去探望朋友，要看看她是否在商場，要去找她，然後往另外一個方向走了。我從遠處再看看，看見她又往另一個方向走，神情有點彷彿。
有一天，爸爸媽媽和我，也許都會如她那樣健忘和迷失，有或會面對其他疾病和死亡。我們都不會知道時候會發生什麼事—這便是生命的珍貴和脆弱。想到這裡，正感覺有點失落的時候，像電影橋段般，一陣風剛好風刮起來，前面很多樹葉掉下，成為一個很漂亮的畫面。生命就只有此刻，可能正是這樣，更漂亮美好。
觀自在心
之後，我們練習靜觀的第三個基礎：意識到心的狀態，留意出現的想法或情緒。我想起了很多以為會觸動情緒的畫面，但都沒有出現強烈的感覺，原來過去許多困難的經歷都已經處理好。有一句話跑出來：
”There is nothing wrong with me, I am ok.“
我也釐清了成長經歷對自己的影響。分享有點我所做的有點在補償小時候的「不足」；以前患上暴食，也與希望填滿這種「不足感」有點關係。梳理和發現自己的感受和情緒，令我感到很安心。之後那天，我在公園步行，一步一步留意眼前的路，感受著陽光的溫暖，心中浮現另一句話：
“I deserve to be loved”. 我值得被愛）“
面前的植物，葉子在陽光下舞動，像每一塊葉子都被陽光照耀。我值得被別人去愛，也可以好好去愛自己。
在接下來的幾節練習中，莫名地注意力轉移去了胃。我腦海裡出現一個想像：自己的雙手溫柔的捧著胃（我之前也有上身體掃描靜觀課程，細心留意不同身體部分，也包括胃部。其中一課我們到解剖實驗室參觀，也啟發了這個畫面），感受著它，留意到多年來它經歷的辛苦，傷痕累累，最後感受到它被一層金色液體去保護著。我患暴食症的幾年間，吃很多然後嘔吐，對胃很傷。最近幾年，經常打嗝和有時胃痛。我的胃也值得被好好愛護。
完了這節練習，剛好想起家裡有一些金黃色厚厚的蜜糖，是專為舒緩胃不適而買的，我便吃了一大羹。第二天早上，吃早餐時，感覺餃子皮很硬，奶茶很濃、很刺激，於是我吃了一半就停了，選擇對我的胃友善。更細心地照顧自己的身體，也讓我可以更細心地對待其他人。
完成了六天的靜休營後，
“Life is the real retreat（生命是真正的靜休營）”
這句話一直徘徊在腦海。在紛亂，有時讓人傷心憤怒的環境下，以愛生活，擁抱此刻美好和珍貴的生命，看似微小，但同時可能是最重要的事。
（刊登於2021年5月 Sportsoho 雜誌）
The most important small thing
Finished a 6-day online retreat a few weeks back.
Quickly finishing all the projects on hand, letting work contacts know that I will be away from the phone, holiday response on email and posted on social media before heading into the retreat. We are invited to observe noble silence, cutting down unnecessary talking at home and minimising communication with the outside.
Attending an online retreat, learning from teachers from the comforts of my home turns out to be wonderful and convenient, and even a smoother way to integrate into our daily lives.
Re-experiencing Love
Bob is from the U.S., used to be a monk when he was younger, and became a mindfulness teacher after returning to lay life. He is kind and humorous, on the first night, he asked us: “What brought you here? The human condition: suffering, stress, addiction, anxiety, loss…”
“We begin with love, we practice with love, we end with love.”
I have often felt that the word “love” feels a bit touchy-feely, but this sentence on love really touches me. Without love all of these just become another form of doing, and can feel like banging our heads against the wall. Listening, tears keep running down my face.
The next few days start at 6.30am before breakfast, and we finish at 9pm, with around 12 hours of sitting meditation, walking meditation, lecture, sharing, meal time and rest. During this period love seems to have become more alive - seeing my mum preparing delicious meals for me, I began to notice how much love she is pouring into it. Even though my parents know I am in silence, they would still update me with what they have done that day during dinner time. This agitated me initially, but I also found it quite sweet.
Fleeting Beauty
Bob said that he is 67, and the years passed like a click of the fingers. He mentioned several times about the preciousness and fragility of life, which I connected to deeply.
Everyday I practice mindful walking in the park downstairs. One day I took a different route, and ran into an elderly lady who looked confused, looking left and right, unsure about where she was going. She told me she was about to go to the mall to visit her friend, and then slowly walked the opposite direction. As we parted, I looked from afar, and saw that she began to take the other way, looking perplexed.
One day, my parents and I will also become forgetful and lost, or face other illness and death. None of us know when that would happen, and that is the preciousness and fragility of life. This realisation brought sadness. And just at that moment, a breeze came, and the leaves in front of me began to fall, a breath-takingly beautiful scene. Life is especially beautiful and precious, because there is only this moment.
Observing the Heart
Practicing the 3rd foundation of mindfulness - being aware of mind states and whatever thoughts or emotions may come up, I thought: “uh oh, let’s see what may be uncovered this time…” During meditation, the mind process through different events which I thought may be triggering. Yet nothing major feels to stick…
I realized: “there’s nothing wrong with me. I am ok.” Noticing much of the difficult experiences in the past may have been processed.
Growing up, I didn’t feel enough, and have spent many years trying to overcompensate. I came to see the bulimia I experienced, filling the stomach with more and more food, also related to trying to fill this void. Processing this and hearing this message feels reassuring.
The next day, practicing mindful walking in the park, feeling the warmth from sunlight, a sentence arose in me: “I deserve to be loved”. In front of me, seeing that leaves of plants are dancing under sunlight, like each leaf is receiving the sun. I deserve love and can also love myself.
During the next few meditations, without knowing why, the attention shifted to the stomach. At some point in my mind, I was holding my stomach in my hands, with tenderness and kindness (I am on a body scan meditation course, and visited an anatomy lab, which I believe inspired this). Holding the stomach, I felt the pain it went through by being stuffed with huge amounts of food during the bulimia years, and how it is filled with scars, and finally protected by a layer of golden liquid. In the last few years, I had frequent burping and stomach-ache. My stomach, too, deserves to be loved.
Finishing this practice, I remember that there is a thick golden-coloured honey at home, and I ate a big spoonful. The next morning, I prepared some fried dumplings and milk tea for breakfast. As I ate, they felt too hard/ too stimulating for my stomach. I stopped halfway and left the rest, choosing to be kind to my stomach. Knowing that from this caring and sensitivity, I can better care for others too.
“Life is the real retreat”
After the six days retreat, this sentence keeps repeating in my head. In such turbulent times, which can sometimes feels heartbreaking and evoke anger: living with love, embracing the preciousness and fragility of life may seem small. But it can be the most important thing.
